The King of Kobolds Presents: White Plume Mountain

This is the beginning of my new review series where we look about the things that are important in the life of the leader of a race of reptile-humanoids.  Constructive compliments are appreciated but be aware you will never win a flame war with a kobold.

How to Deal with the Shadow Fad

Many of us dungeon owners who often deal with troublesome adventurers often notice that various trends tend to emerge.  I think that I've spotted the new one: darkness.  Shocking, I know, but for some reason the Shadowfell, once a safe-haven for the less-morally aligned of us has been crashed by those who think that killing people for profit is acceptable.  Non-human people I mean.
 Anyway, these new, for lack of a better term "classes" of adventurers need to learn that darkness is our thing!  So, here is my list of how to dispose of each of them.

• Warlocks
• These are the ones that cheat their way to the top making deals with higher up.  Admirable, but they use their new found powers to "good" things.  Makes me want to cringe.
• How do I get rid of them?  Demand to see their manager.  Seriously, most of the guys they make deals with are on our side.  Find some way of finding out who it is and call the guy up.  just make sure you don't listen to any of their offers.  If it sounds to good to be true, it usually is.  Believe it or not you only have one soul, and you never lose the weight they tell you you should.  Not that I know from experience.
• Assassins
• These are the ones who use shadow magic to sneak around.  They tend to work for a guild and will carry around unnessecary amounts of weapons. 
• How do I get rid of them? Lighting.  Just go down to the hardware store or something and buy some lamps.  Then just go to town.  If there aren't any shadows they have nowhere to hide.  Except for, you know, behind things.  But if you're any good at this at all you should already have your minions already behind those things.  Problem solved.
• Paladins
• Remember those guys that always have to be at home by eight and can't seem to sit through a simple torturing without objecting?  They hopped on the Darkwagon, too.
• How do I get rid of them? Simple, find some followers that pray to the same god.  The dark ones tend to go with the Raven Queen (which has always seemed like an odd Goddess to worship to me.  What can she give you?  Do you want death or frostbite?  Too bad, because she's also big on fate and isn't changing anything!) so just get some guys on your side with the same picture on their tabards and they can't do squat.
• Necromancers
• Is nothing sacred?  The fine villain's art of necromancy has been soiled by these people?  Is nothing un-sacred?
• How do I get rid of them?  Use their tricks against them: hire a cleric.  Doesn't need to be one of a goody-two-shoes one either.  Azune, my good ol' arch-priest of Tiamat was able to take down a swarm of them no problem.  Best thing is they'll never see it coming.  they take our tricks we'll take theirs!
• Vampires
• Yes...apparently some wuss vampires have decided to start palling around with stupid heroes.  Why do they do this when they could be living awesome mansions that have walls that eat you is beyond me.
• How do I get rid of them?  How do you not get rid of them?  ...Okay that didn't make sense, but Vampires are likely the easiest of these new adventurers to avoid.  Don't invite them in.  It's that simple.  They'll just stand out there.  If, for whatever reason, they manage to get in, don't go to the armory.  Head to the pantry.  If you spill rice in front of them, they have to count every grain.  I'm dead serious.  Dead...hehehe...

King of Kobolds signing out.

What in the Nine Hells is a Tile Anyway?

I recently made the worst purchase of my life.  Entitled the "Dungeons & Dragons Essentials Dungeons Tiles Master Set The Dungeon", which , by the way, is the longest title I've ever seen for something decidedly not a movie sequel.  So i bought this thing with promises of "...Dungeon rooms, corridors, and terrain elements..." but what do I get?  Cardboard.  Stacks and stacks of cardboard.  I know it was a tad ridiculous to assume an entire dungeon in such a small box, but I assumed it was like a Figures of Power or Bag of holding type thing or something.  What, am I supposed to play pretend that I have a dungeon?  Screw that noise!  Now what am I supposed to do with this princess I just kidnapped?  I payed twenty buck for this thing!  Now where am I going to hide from these adventures?

King of Kobolds signing out.

A Kobold's Opinion on the D&D Monster Manual

It was a close vote, but the winner after a week of stiff competition you all clearly wonder what I think of this whole Dungeons and Dragons thing.  So, my and my personal….uhh, body guards went down to a store to get it.  The proprietor was a bit confused to see all thirty of us armed with spears it seems…

After some tense negotiations I managed to get what I was after. (Sweet Tiamat the exchange rate between gold pieces and green pieces of paper is high.)

Before I left I was saluted with the customary human good-bye.

Before I talk about the Kobold section, here are some notes about the other sections of the book.

1. Nice to see some representation for the Banshrae, Berbalangs, Galeb Duhrs, Lamias, and Maruts.  Nice to see they’ll become well known races in the future.
2. Justice is served!  Humans now have equal representation in the book, so you can slaughter them just like you’ve always wanted to!
3. Seems the Koa-toa protests were successful because the racist depictions in the old books have become more accurate.

4. Does WotC just really want you to kill goblins?  Because they get the most pages in the book.
5. Why put Gelatinous cubes in the book?  Who would want to kill one of these cute guys? 

Okay, on to the meat of this.  What you all were waiting for…

Oh…my…Tiamat…

Who in the nine hells painted this?  Oh I see, you hid it between the page crack to hide your shame, huh?  Zaltan Baros and Gabor Szikszai?  They got two guys together and between them they apparently have never seen a real kobold in their life.  Are those horns?  Why are their faces so bumpy?  Why do their scales look like someone just painted someone's skin green?  Why don’t they have teeth?  I haven’t even read this thing yet!

“Kobolds revere dragons and tend to dwell in and around places where dragons are known to lair.”

Stereotyping.  Typical.  We don’t always hang around dragons, be them as awesome and handsome and sexy as…uhhh, where was I? Oh yeah.

“Kobolds are cowardly and usually flee once bloodied unless a strong leader is present.” Well, I don’t want to toot my own horn…right now.

Looking at the statistics I’m a bit insulted by our intelligence scores…I can think good!

Great, another picture…

Wow, these are really unrealistic…no kobold is really that good looking (except for me.)  Kobolds that good looking aren’t carrying spears, they’re on the cover of Teen Kobold Magazine.   Also, why don’t either of these pictures include any kobold females?  What, women aren’t worth killing?…wait.

I refuse read the Lore section because: 1. They use the word lore, I don’t think it means what they think it means and 2. its more stereotyping and racism about kobolds and dragons.

Man, I need something to justify this purchase…hmmm.

Sweet merciful fanservice!  If anyone knows how to clean all the drool from this page find me at my Twitter or email me at kingofkobolds@gmail.com

King of Kobolds signing out.

The New Blog

No longer is Twitter my only means for telling the public what to think of me.  No longer am I limited to 120 characters to express my opinions.  Now I can give my opinions on subjects that require a bit more in-depth analysis.  Time to tell you more about what I think about the movies you humans have been producing for the past couple of years.  Time to dust of that Wii-box thingy that's been sitting under my TV for so long.  And since I sold my people's likeness to Tactical Studies Rules years ago might as well talk about whatever came out of that.  So, welcome to the blog...forever!