I recently made the worst purchase of my life. Entitled the "Dungeons & Dragons Essentials Dungeons Tiles Master Set The Dungeon", which , by the way, is the longest title I've ever seen for something decidedly not a movie sequel. So i bought this thing with promises of "...Dungeon rooms, corridors, and terrain elements..." but what do I get? Cardboard. Stacks and stacks of cardboard. I know it was a tad ridiculous to assume an entire dungeon in such a small box, but I assumed it was like a Figures of Power or Bag of holding type thing or something. What, am I supposed to play pretend that I have a dungeon? Screw that noise! Now what am I supposed to do with this princess I just kidnapped? I payed twenty buck for this thing! Now where am I going to hide from these adventures?
King of Kobolds signing out.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
A Kobold's Opinion on the D&D Monster Manual
It was a close vote, but the winner after a week of stiff competition you all clearly wonder what I think of this whole Dungeons and Dragons thing. So, my and my personal….uhh, body guards went down to a store to get it. The proprietor was a bit confused to see all thirty of us armed with spears it seems…
After some tense negotiations I managed to get what I was after. (Sweet Tiamat the exchange rate between gold pieces and green pieces of paper is high.)
Before I left I was saluted with the customary human good-bye.
Before I talk about the Kobold section, here are some notes about the other sections of the book.
- Nice to see some representation for the Banshrae, Berbalangs, Galeb Duhrs, Lamias, and Maruts. Nice to see they’ll become well known races in the future.
- Justice is served! Humans now have equal representation in the book, so you can slaughter them just like you’ve always wanted to!
- Seems the Koa-toa protests were successful because the racist depictions in the old books have become more accurate.
- Does WotC just really want you to kill goblins? Because they get the most pages in the book.
- Why put Gelatinous cubes in the book? Who would want to kill one of these cute guys?
Okay, on to the meat of this. What you all were waiting for…
Oh…my…Tiamat…
Who in the nine hells painted this? Oh I see, you hid it between the page crack to hide your shame, huh? Zaltan Baros and Gabor Szikszai? They got two guys together and between them they apparently have never seen a real kobold in their life. Are those horns? Why are their faces so bumpy? Why do their scales look like someone just painted someone's skin green? Why don’t they have teeth? I haven’t even read this thing yet!
“Kobolds revere dragons and tend to dwell in and around places where dragons are known to lair.”
Stereotyping. Typical. We don’t always hang around dragons, be them as awesome and handsome and sexy as…uhhh, where was I? Oh yeah.
“Kobolds are cowardly and usually flee once bloodied unless a strong leader is present.” Well, I don’t want to toot my own horn…right now.
Looking at the statistics I’m a bit insulted by our intelligence scores…I can think good!
Great, another picture…
Wow, these are really unrealistic…no kobold is really that good looking (except for me.) Kobolds that good looking aren’t carrying spears, they’re on the cover of Teen Kobold Magazine. Also, why don’t either of these pictures include any kobold females? What, women aren’t worth killing?…wait.
I refuse read the Lore section because: 1. They use the word lore, I don’t think it means what they think it means and 2. its more stereotyping and racism about kobolds and dragons.
Man, I need something to justify this purchase…hmmm.
King of Kobolds signing out.
Monday, September 6, 2010
The New Blog
No longer is Twitter my only means for telling the public what to think of me. No longer am I limited to 120 characters to express my opinions. Now I can give my opinions on subjects that require a bit more in-depth analysis. Time to tell you more about what I think about the movies you humans have been producing for the past couple of years. Time to dust of that Wii-box thingy that's been sitting under my TV for so long. And since I sold my people's likeness to Tactical Studies Rules years ago might as well talk about whatever came out of that. So, welcome to the blog...forever!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)